


With My Hands Out

by stereobone



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-10
Updated: 2017-06-10
Packaged: 2018-11-12 14:31:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11163843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stereobone/pseuds/stereobone
Summary: Levi dies. Only it's not that simple.





	With My Hands Out

Levi is dead. He knows he's dead because he comes to and the bone-deep exhaustion of life is no longer heavy in his body. Levi stares at a sky that is perfectly blue and cloudless, and he is dead. He doesn't remember dying. He remembers being sick, remembers his body finally failing him after years of abuse. Levi remembers being bedridden, watching rain against the windowpanes, his eyes so heavy. He remembers knowing.

He sits up. He's on grass, and around him are wildflowers in a rainbow of color, a stream no thicker than the trunk of an oak tree. Levi can't see the sun, but it's bright out. _Is this Heaven?_ he wonders. After all he'd done in life, he never expected to end up here. As he thinks that, Levi forgets, only for a moment, what his life even was. He blinks, and the memories are there again.

When Levi stands, his legs are steady. He's not wearing his uniform—just simple clothes, black pants, a white tunic. The stream is the only noise he hears. No animals, no wind. Levi leans over the water and catches his shadowy reflection. He looks like himself, maybe a little younger.

"Levi?"

When he turns, Levi's legs give out. He drops to one knee in the flowers but doesn't feel it at all. He stands, though Erwin is already halfway there to meet him.

"Levi," he says again.

Once he's close enough, Levi hugs him. He doesn't care. He presses himself into Erwin's chest and breathes him in, feels how solid he is against him. Erwin squeezes him, fingertips digging into the skin of his back. It doesn't hurt, but then, nothing does anymore.

"Erwin," Levi says, for the first time in what's felt like a century.

\--

Erwin takes him to a cottage. It's open and vulnerable in the field, something they never had the luxury of in their former lives. Levi follows him, both of them silent, though even after years apart, right now Levi feels like only a day has passed. Still, it's strange to see Erwin like this—with both arms, not covered in blood. He looks relaxed, _happy,_ his hair loose over his eyes. Inside, the cottage smells like lavender is full of sunshine. Erwin fills the kettle with water and sets it on the stove. He's smiling.

"Tea?" he asks, speaking for the first time. "I remember how fond you were of it."

"Yeah," Levi says. Then, "Are we in Heaven?"

Erwin pulls bread from the breadbox and says, "I think so. I never asked."

Levi doesn't get to question who he could have asked. Erwin sets the bread down and puts his hands on Levi's shoulders. He's solid. He feels like the first solid thing Levi's ever known.

"I'm so glad you're here," Erwin says. "I was waiting for you."

The sob that claws its way out of Levi's throat surprises him. He ducks his head down, embarrassed, and knows he is dead. He is finally, finally dead. He was so tired, and Erwin was so gone. Now, he's here. They both are. Levi steps away from Erwin's touch and stares at the table instead. He waits for his chest to stop aching, which it does by the time the kettle whistles. Erwin pours them tea and they sit at the table to eat. Levi is surprised to find he's hungry. He hadn't considered death would require anything like food. But the tea is the best he's ever tasted, the bread fresh like it was just baked.

"It's not real hunger," Erwin says, watching him. "But it tastes good, doesn't it?"

Levi nods, and eats. Minutes pass between them in silence, and Levi's feet itch. He waits for Erwin to say something. Anything. He drinks his tea with infuriating contentedness.

"Erwin," Levi says. "Stop sitting there looking so damn sentimental…tell me something."

Erwin dips the last of his bread into his tea and swallows it. "Like what?"

"What have you been doing?" Levi asks. "What happens now?"

He hears footsteps outside. Levi jerks upright, hands curling to fists. Erwin doesn't move. When the door opens, there is a man holding a book, glasses slipping down his nose. He sees Levi and blinks once before smiling. His face wrinkles with his smile.

"Oh," he says. "So, he's finally here."

Levi doesn't recognize the man.

"Who the hell are you?"

Behind him, Erwin laughs softly.

"Levi, this is my father."

Levi grips the back of the chair to steady himself. This shouldn't be a surprise, though it's still hard to wrap his head around. They're all dead—why wouldn't Erwin's father be here? He's a man Levi had only heard of in story, usually during late nights when he and Erwin were in his office trying to save what little of their damned world that they could. He looks like Erwin, just older and a little rounder in his features with a neatly trimmed beard. He hands the book to Erwin and explains that he picked it up in town and thought Erwin might enjoy it. Erwin thanks him.

"Maybe we'll all have dinner once Levi is settled in," Erwin's father says.

"Is this what death is?" Levi asks. "Constant eating?"

Erwin's father laughs, looks at him.

"You're exactly like Erwin described," he says.

Levi doesn't know what to do with that information, Erwin talking about him, Erwin waiting for him. He's hesitant to admit it, even now in death, but Levi was waiting for him, too. When he knew he was dying, his first thought was of Erwin. He wondered if he'd see him again. He imagined it—coming to, and in the fog seeing Erwin waiting there with his hands out. Levi supposed the inconvenience of dying would be worth it, if only for that.

"Dad," Erwin says. "Maybe you could handle teaching alone for a few days."

Levi moves his gaze back over to Erwin.

"Teaching? You teach?"

"Well, not everyone here is an adult…" Erwin trails off.

"Of course, I'm sure you two have a lot to catch up on," Erwin's father says. He says he'll see them again later. They have all the time they need.

Levi nods. "I guess we do now."

"It was good to finally meet you."

Erwin's father turns to Erwin, and they hug. Erwin clings to him with a tenderness that Levi feels rude for seeing. He knows how much Erwin's father meant to him. He blamed himself for his death. Levi isn't sure if blame exists in Heaven. There might not be a place for it. He watches the two separate, and Erwin's father disappears with a wave out the front door. For the first time since he'd arrived, Levi lets go of the back of the chair. He realizes he had been nervous. He wants Erwin's father to like him.

"Where does he live?" he asks.

"In town." Erwin collects their empty teacups from the table. "He likes people, but I'm more apt for solitude."

Levi has questions. Too many. How did Erwin find his father? How did he and Levi end up so close to one another? How big, exactly, is Heaven? What does infinity look like? Levi wipes his hands off on his tunic and joins Erwin by the sink. He remembers then that they aren't the only ones who've died.

"What about the others?"

Erwin looks up. "Others?"

"Yeah…you know, Mike, Nanaba." Levi pauses. "My old squad."

There's a brief, horrifying moment where Erwin looks like he has no idea what Levi is talking about. His face blanks, then his eyes flicker in recognition.

"I've never seen them," he says.

Levi tries to imagine them in Hell, and finds he can't. If anyone belonged there, it'd be him. Not them. He reflexively takes the teacups from Erwin and dries them on the cloth by the sink. The sun is lower on the horizon, now. Levi wonders if night ever comes here.

"I never looked," Erwin says. "Truthfully, I…when I died, I found my father immediately. That felt like more than I deserved already."

"But you found me," Levi says.

Erwin doesn't pause. "You're different, Levi."

The back of Levi's neck burns. Erwin has always been candid with him, but death seems to have killed his filter altogether. Levi never broke the habit of getting flustered when he talks like this. He can't help it, though, their relationship was always different. Closer. They toed the line between friendship and romance, but never got beyond touches that lingered too long. Levi tried to define what they were to himself several times before giving up on it. They were Erwin and Levi. They just were. Everything else was unsaid.

"I hated it," Levi says. "After you died. Nothing was right. I was lost in some shitty world I didn't know what to do with anymore."

"I'm sorry," Erwin says, with a sincerity that is startling. "I am. I'm so sorry, Levi. We're here now, though. There are no Titans, no monarchs. It's just us."

Levi nods and looks again at the home Erwin has created here for himself. The exposed wood beams are all cherry oak, and herbs grow in a windowsill. Some of the furniture looks carved by hand. And there are books in every corner, on every surface. He'd dreamed of this reality sometimes, selfishly. It's hard to believe that it's true now.

"I can't believe you managed to look after yourself without me bossing you around," Levi says.

Erwin laughs and wipes his hands.

"The afterlife changes you."

\--

Night, as it turns out, does fall in Heaven. The sky is a darkened blue now, but there are no stars. Levi sits on Erwin's back porch and watches the sky, another cup of tea in his hand. They haven't said much more to each other, which is fine. Levi's head is still buzzing trying to understand everything that's happened. Tomorrow, Erwin is taking him into town so he can get more accustomed to things. But Levi is fine to stay in tonight. He likes being here alone with Erwin. After he died, Levi had to face the very real possibility that he'd never see him again, not even in death. He didn't even have a photograph of Erwin to hold onto. Some nights, Levi would sit and make himself recall every detail he could remember about Erwin's face, alone and unable to sleep.

The back door opens. Erwin joins him quietly at the table, barefooted.

"You should stay here tonight," he says. "I have a spare room you can sleep in." 

Levi lets out a huff of breath. The idea seems preposterous, and the thought of staying here, in Erwin's home, almost too intimate.

"You need sleep in Heaven?" he says. "That's bullshit."

"It's very refreshing, actually."

Levi presses his fingertip into the wood.

"You can relax now, Levi," Erwin says. "You can."

Levi ghosts a laugh, the fleshy tip of his finger turned white from pressing into the table. He isn't sure he knows how anymore.

"All right," he says.

Erwin puts him in the spare room, but Levi doesn't sleep. He isn't tired. He never slept much alive, anyway. He lays awake in bed and the silence is unnerving, though Levi doesn't think it should be. There's no wind, no bugs chirping. Levi slips from his bed and makes a quiet path to Erwin's room, but doesn't go in. Outside the door, barely cracked open, Levi can hear Erwin's breathing. It's familiar, and all at once Levi feels more at ease. He crouches down on the floor and listens, pulse timed to the rhythm of Erwin's breath, until his eyes close of their own accord. He snaps awake just as the sun is rising. Levi hears Erwin shift in bed and runs on his toes back to his own room, the sound of Erwin following him.

\--

Town isn't very big. There are a few stores, a few houses, but it feels more barren than Levi anticipated. Heaven, or at least, from the stories he'd heard, should have been sprawling, a metropolis. With how many people have died in the world, there's no way they're all here, in this little village. Erwin doesn't seem bothered by the size of the town. The buildings remind Levi of those just inside Wall Maria, straight-edged and clean. There's a man standing outside the market sweeping. When he sees Erwin and Levi, he pauses to wave at them. He looks familiar, almost.

There are children, too, just like Erwin said. They approach Erwin and run circles around him, delighted. They point to Levi and demand to know who he is.

"This is Levi," Erwin tells them, and they all gasp.

"You're finally here!"

"Don't grab my shirt like that," Levi says to one before they run off into the forest.

They manage to walk to the market without anyone else approaching them. Levi doesn't see anyone he knows, and he wonders where everyone else is. There must be more to this place. Maybe that's where the others are.

Levi pauses on the grass. Others. He has to think deliberately of his old squad's name. It feels like trying to catch onto a dream. Erwin stops with him, hands loose at his sides. The weather is exactly like it was yesterday—sunny and warm.

"Are you all right?" he asks.

The sun is a halo behind Erwin's head, and the anxiety in Levi's chest fizzles out. He says he's fine, and means it. They walk into the market together and buy fruit. After, Erwin picks up wood to build a coffee table. He tells Levi that they have everything they need here, and always what they need. It all feels so easy and safe that if he weren't with Erwin, Levi might be bored. He's never had time for boredom before.

On their way out of town, Erwin points to a brick building with a slanted roof and tells Levi that's the school he and his father teach at. It's only one room, but it's enough. Levi readjusts the planks of wood under his arm as a woman approaches them. She has soft orange curls and a bright face.

"Sorry to bother you," she says. "But are you Captain Levi?"

Levi, on instinct, readies himself for a confrontation. There were too many times inside the Walls that some mother would come screaming at him, clutching her lost child's clothes. He looks to Erwin for what to do—Erwin is at ease. He smiles, nods.

"I don't think I'm really a Captain anymore," Levi says, taking the cue. "But yeah."

"Well," the woman says. "That's wonderful. Erwin's mentioned you quite a bit."

"Oh?" Levi turns in time to see Erwin crane his neck away, distracted by some imaginary noise. "He must be pretty bored here to talk me up."

"Lucia, you embarrass me," Erwin says.

He nudges Levi with his elbow to get them moving. Lucia laughs.

"I'm sorry," she says. "It's just nice to finally meet him."

"Okay," Levi says, awkwardly. He never learned how to handle these kinds of interactions. "I'm not anything special."

Lucia's face dampens. She looks more hurt than she should, as if she's known Levi for years and can't stand to hear him doubt himself. Levi blinks, wood planks heavy under his arm, until Erwin nudges them along again.

"Excuse us," he says.

They walk back together, Erwin standing very close to him. It isn't until he sees Erwin's house on the horizon that Levi says, "This part of Heaven is full of fucking weirdoes."

Erwin's laugh echoes, relieved.

"Yes," he says. "It is."

\--

Levi stays in the spare room again that night. This time, he sleeps, and wakes in the morning without startling. He can't remember the last time he slept through the night. He feels good, and the only way Levi can think to describe it is like there's a sun in his chest now. Something bright. When he goes downstairs, Erwin is there waiting for him, tea ready. They sit outside, and again there is no wind, no animals. Levi is starting not to mind. He runs his finger over the table and squints.

"Where the hell is the dirt?" he asks.

Erwin looks down.

"Do you want there to be dirt?"

He doesn't know yet, actually. It's almost off-putting, for things to be so clean, which Levi never expected. Much as he loathes filth, Levi's always gotten a certain satisfaction out of cleaning.

"I'm just trying to figure out if I rubbed off on you, or if this place is really that great," he says.

"Give me some credit," Erwin says, lip jutting behind the rim of his teacup.

Levi looks out to the horizon and wonders again how far this place really goes. He wants to know who's in charge of all this, why the tea is so good and the food so satisfying and his heart so content. Next to him, Erwin asks him what he wants to do today.

"We should build that coffee table," Erwin says. "Don't you think?"

Levi thinks that maybe they should venture out. They've found each other, they should look for everyone else, too. But the idea of doing something so simple with Erwin is too tempting. They never got the chance to do anything like this alive, and it's the only thing he really wants right now. Besides, they have time.

"All right," he says, draining his tea. "Let's do it."

They spend all day sanding the wood down and cutting it. They work outside in the sun and Levi sweats but doesn't feel dirty. Erwin's made most of the furniture in his house, because he had the time to do it. Time here passes the same way it does in life, but Erwin admits the days began to blur together for him, and he doesn't know how long it's been.

"A long time," Levi tells him, and does not say that he knows the exact year, month, and day.

By the time evening rolls settles, they decide to break for the day. Erwin's father is coming over for dinner. Levi takes a quick bath to clean up. When he finally gets back downstairs, Erwin's father is already there cutting vegetables. He says hello to Levi with a warmth like he's known him for years already. Levi remembers that Erwin's apparently spent more than half his afterlife talking him up, and frowns out of embarrassment. He helps by filling a pot with fresh water and then stays out of the way. Erwin and his father have their own routine together, move practically in sync with one another. Levi watches from the table. Their movements are so similar. There's no mistaking them as being anything but related.

Erwin and his father get into an animated discussion about the history of currency over dinner that is weirdly satisfying to watch. Erwin's hand gestures are excited, remind Levi of how he used to get after thinking up a good formation. He listens over his dinner of meat and vegetables and bread. Levi has no idea how the meat got there, since he hasn't seen one damn animal since he died, but he doesn't question it.

"The point is," Erwin's father says, as if they've had this debate many times, "Coins and paper money were easiest for the government to track. Wouldn't you agree, Levi?"

Levi swallows down a carrot. "All I know is I never liked people with too much money."

Erwin's father turns back to Erwin and says, "I knew I'd like him."

Levi spears another carrot and can't meet Erwin's gaze.

Later, they sit on the back porch and Erwin is inside opening more wine. It's night, now, but Levi can still see out for miles in the darkness. Erwin's father touches Levi's shoulder, gentle.

"It's good you're here," he says.

"Stop," says Levi.

Erwin's father stares at him, dumbstruck. Levi fidgets with the edge of his shirt. He doesn't want to snap at Erwin's father, he doesn't, but he can't stand this anymore.

"Everyone keeps saying that but they don't know shit about me. Erwin's been too kind."

Levi grabs his wine glass and drains the rest quickly. Erwin's father says nothing else.

\--

He can't sleep, that night. Levi lays awake in bed and watches the ceiling beams for what feels like hours before he finally gets up and walks by Erwin's room. The door is cracked open again, and Levi listens for the sounds of his sleep. Erwin calls to him from inside.

"Levi," he says.

Levi jerks away from the door and feels caught.

"Shit. I woke you."

"I was awake," Erwin says. "Come in."

Levi waits for a beat and then pushes the door open. Erwin is sitting up in bed. He turns the bedside lamp on and pushes the covers back, an invitation for Levi to sit, so he does. Erwin's legs are stretched out right behind him. Levi angles his head left so they can actually look at each other. Erwin's hair is pushed in all directions, and he has to resist the urge to smooth it back for him.

"I never thanked you," Erwin says.

"For what?"

"For letting me die."

Levi swallows. He feels cold for the first time since he got here. Looking at Erwin becomes difficult, so Levi looks at the bed sheets instead.

"You think you were wrong," Erwin says.

His father must have said something. Levi shakes his head.

"I didn't want to let you die, you idiot," he says. "But I wasn't going to let them pull you back into it. I finally had something I could give you."

That memory has never faded, even after all those years passed. The smell of blood was so heavy that day. Erwin had never looked weaker, and Levi knew he made the right choice, but even that didn't make it easier. He wants to tell Erwin that.

"You must have hated me after," Erwin says. "I understand—"

"No," Levi says. "You don't, because I didn't. I didn't hate you, not once. Maybe I should have let you go sooner."

He feels hysterical now and his hands are shaking. He looks up when Erwin grabs hold of them to calm him, his palms larger and warm.

"Levi," he says, a whisper. "Levi."

"I didn't know what to do."

Erwin's thumb strokes the skin of his hand, and he says, "I was so selfish." Then he kisses Levi. It's a soft kiss, hesitant. Levi barely feels the chapped skin of his lips before Erwin pulls away.

"I'm sorry," Erwin says. "I wish I had done that while we were alive."

"Shut up," Levi says. "Kiss me again."

Erwin absolutely breaks. He cups Levi's jaw and kisses him, this time with intent, mouth full against his. He pulls Levi across the mattress to him, as if he wants to pull Levi's body into his own. Levi makes a startled noise in his throat and kisses back. He's half in Erwin's lap, swings a leg over Erwin's so he actually can be. It gives him better leverage to press himself against Erwin. He cradles the back of his head and kisses him, lets himself be kissed, body sighing into it. Eventually, Erwin pulls away and presses their foreheads together, looks at him with utter adoration. Levi can't control his breathing.

"Stay with me tonight," Erwin says. "Please."

Levi nods against him. He rests his head over Erwin's heart and listens to the beat of it, steady, steady, throughout the night.

\--

Erwin wakes him up in the morning by licking the shell of his ear. Levi shifts, head resting on Erwin's chest. He's hard, achingly so, and when he looks, Erwin is watching him with an open expression of want. Levi catches his gaze and slips his hands under the waistband of his own pants to push them down.

"Don't get shy," he says.

Erwin runs a hand over his bare ass and doesn't. He tugs Levi's shirt off, then his own, then pauses to just stare at him. Levi squirms under his gaze.

"Erwin," he says, the vowels drawn out. "Stop. Do you have—?"

"Yes," Erwin says, reaching into the bedside table.

A few moments later, they're both on their sides facing each other, and Erwin slips his hand between Levi's thighs and presses a finger against him, just feels him. Levi inhales and grabs Erwin's shoulders. Erwin slides into him, two fingers at once, easier than Levi anticipated. He spreads his legs more by resting one over Erwin's hip. It feels good, to feel Erwin like this. He's wanted it for so long, he can't remember a time that he didn't. Erwin watches him with reverence.

"Don't look away," he says.

"I'm not," Levi tells him, but his eyes flutter when Erwin gets a third finger into him.

His hips rock forward. The sensation of Erwin's fingers sends a hot ache into his groin and suddenly it's not enough. He steadies Erwin's hand by touching his wrist. Erwin slips his fingers free, and Levi rolls on top of him. Erwin swallows visibly. Levi reaches back and feels for his cock, groaning when Erwin pauses to add oil. Then they both work Erwin into him slowly, Levi's thighs shaking until he's fully seated.

"Oh, fuck," he says.

He doesn't move for a moment, and Erwin waits so patiently until Levi shifts and plants his hands on his shoulders for leverage. Once he rolls his hips, Erwin grabs them and presses his thumbs into dips of Levi's pelvic muscles. He pushes up, cock sliding deeper, and lets out a soft _'oh'_ before angling forward so that he can kiss Levi properly.

"You're good," he says against his mouth. "You feel so good."

Erwin lasts longer than Levi thought he would. He can't help squeezing down, though. When Erwin tips over the edge, his whole body shakes and he cries Levi's name. Levi cradles his head and feels him spill, moan muffled into the crook of Levi's neck. Levi's hard cock brushes against Erwin's abs and he shudders and tries to move his hips again. Erwin stills him.

"Wait," he says. "Here."

He taps Levi's thigh and Levi sits up. He doesn't know what Erwin wants yet. Levi sighs when Erwin slips out of him, the emptiness like an ache.

"Hold the headboard," Erwin says.

"What?"

Erwin slides down just enough to take Levi's cock in his mouth, and Levi has to grab onto the headboard to keep from collapsing. Erwin's mouth is hot, insistent, tongue pressing up. He holds Levi's thighs tight.

"Shit," Levi says. "I'm—fuck, Erwin, please."

Erwin hums around his length. He trails a hand up the back of Levi's thigh and slips two fingers back into him. The moan Levi lets out is long and shuddering and his knees dig into the mattress, shaking.

"I'm gonna come," he says. "Erwin, I'm—"

Levi looks at Erwin's mouth stretched around him and then comes with his eyes squeezed shut and his lip stuck in his teeth. The headboard is dangerously close to splintering. Erwin pulls his fingers out and removes his mouth. Levi slides down, boneless, and kisses him despite the taste of himself. Erwin just holds him.

It takes them another two hours to actually get out of bed.

\--

The days pass like they're nothing. There is no countdown to anything. They have eternity. Levi sets himself up quite comfortably in Erwin's room, now their room, and suddenly, they have a life together. Mornings, Erwin usually wakes up first. He'll pad downstairs and make them both a cup of tea, bring it up and settle back into bed with Levi, who likes to cocoon under the covers until Erwin absolutely insists they do something else. The coffee table is finished, though now Levi thinks they should make some extra chairs. Erwin jokes about making him a stool so he can reach the high cupboards, and Levi puts his cold feet against Erwin's legs.

If they aren't at the house, they're in town at the school. Erwin and his father teach there a few days a week, mostly history. Levi likes to sit in the back and watch them. If things had turned out differently when they were alive, Levi thinks Erwin could have done this, truly. He's good with kids and he knows what he's talking about. Takes after his father. The kids also adore Levi, and he doesn't get why. He just corrals them when they get rowdy and gives them a stern look when they're not paying attention. They follow him like ducklings, much to Erwin's amusement.

"I think they'd all let you adopt them," he says on the way home, arm around Levi's shoulders.

"No way," Levi says. "I'd never take another shit in peace again."

Erwin's father comes over for dinner some evenings. He doesn't seem at all surprised or disturbed by their relationship. Sometimes, Erwin and Levi will go to his house instead. It's a small place, and there's a spare room still decorated like a child's room, Erwin's room, Levi realizes. It amuses him to think of Erwin of a kid, face owlish and curious, but he has no idea why the room is set up like this. Some memories follow, he supposes. They'll stay until Erwin is dopey with sleep and Levi has to convince him to go home, and on the walk back Erwin is always suddenly awake again and kissing Levi's neck. 

"What else do you want?" Levi asks over his shoulder.

He's using the countertop for leverage, standing upright while Erwin takes him from behind, because neither of them could wait to get upstairs. Erwin slows in his thrusts but doesn't stop, eyes glazed.

"Nothing," Erwin says, and licks a hot strip up the back of Levi's neck. "I don't need anything else."

\--

The best moments are always when they're alone and Levi remembers that they have nothing to worry about. The best moments are when they're reading together, quiet and happy for hours. The best moments are when Levi wakes up and Erwin is watching him like he still can't quite believe they have this. The best moments, when Erwin holds him, and they stay wrapped in each other for what feels like a hundred lifetimes.

\--

He's at the market one night when Lucia approaches him. Erwin is back at home preparing lessons for the kids, which is fine, because whenever he shops he buys junk food anyway. Levi bags a few apples when Lucia waves to him.

"The apples look good," she says.

Levi nods. "Everything always does, here."

She walks with him, her basket full of vegetables.

"Erwin at home?" she asks.

"Yeah, he can't be trusted to shop alone."

"My mother is the same way," Lucia says. "Buys nothing but cheese."

Levi's skin tingles. Mother. _Mother._ Something flashes and settles into his head, something he can't grasp just yet. Levi stops walking and shuts his eyes, waits. His mind races past days, maybe months. He pulls until something starts to surface, like a flower tugged from the earth. Mother. Kuchel. _His_ mother. Levi opens his eyes.

"Are you all right?" Lucia asks.

"Mother," Levi says, not to her, but to himself.

He'd forgotten her. He'd completely forgotten her, forgotten Kenny. Levi drops his basket. He forgot his squad, forgot everything—

"Levi—"

Levi walks out of the market. Once he gets to the street, he runs.

He throws the door of the house open and Erwin jumps up so quickly from the table that his chair falls over. He sees Levi and his face drops. Levi can barely keep his gaze in one place. He's afraid to stop repeating everyone's names. He hears Erwin breathe into the silence.

"Levi? What's wrong?"

"My mother is dead," Levi says.

Erwin stares.

"I forgot her," Levi says. "I forgot my mother. Where is she?"

"I…" Erwin grapples for an answer Levi knows he doesn't have. "I don't know, Levi."

Levi tenses and relaxes his knees. He doesn't understand, and he needs to.

"She has to be here. If anyone deserves to be here, it's her."

He only mentioned his mother to Erwin once. Just once, he told him that she died when he was very young. He didn't give any other details, and Erwin didn't press for them. She has to be here. Levi knows she is—maybe not in this town, but the next. There has to be a way to find her.

"We'll look, then," Erwin says, as if reading his mind. "I'm sorry, I didn't think—"

"It's not your fault," Levi says.

She's here. And just knowing that they'll look lets Levi breathe easier, but something pulls at the back of his mind still like a warning. Erwin approaches him and pulls him into a hug that Levi returns easily. He can see Erwin's notes for teaching spread all over the table when they pull away, excited little scribbles.

"We can start tonight," Erwin says.

"It's dark."

Erwin keeps a hand on him, cupping the back of his neck.

"What do you want to do?" he asks.

Levi leans into Erwin's hand and the warmth of it. He's suddenly exhausted. He's never felt that here before.

"I'm tired," he says.

"All right, then we'll sleep now." Erwin's thumb brushes just under his jaw. "Tomorrow at dawn, we'll head out and look for her."

Erwin leaves his school notes on the table and goes upstairs with Levi to bed, hand on his lower back. He seems insistent on keeping close to him right now. Levi is strangely okay with being selfish and having Erwin forgo teaching to look for his mother with him. He even wants to see Kenny, but he's not sure he's here, and Kuchel has to come first. It wouldn't surprise Levi to find them together, if Kenny did make it. He just wants Erwin with him when he does.

He and Erwin wash up silently, then slip under the covers together. Levi rolls himself close to Erwin immediately, body pressed against his side. He throws an arm and leg over him like a tether. Once Erwin's arm curls over him, Levi shuts his eyes, and sleep takes him.

\--

He wakes up before first light. Levi sits up in the moonlight and Erwin's arm falls from him. He feels like an alarm is blaring in his mind, the feeling from earlier is back twice as strong and it's telling him that something is wrong, something is _wrong._ Without thinking, Levi gets out of bed, out of the bedroom, downstairs. He looks out the window of the kitchen and sees how still the night is. Too still, and there's never any wind, never any sounds. Levi doesn't know why it's just now hitting him, how creepy it all feels. And his mother, where is she? He feels sick for having forgotten her. There wasn't one day in life that he didn't think of her. Why would death be that different?

Levi opens the front door and sticks a hand out into the night, palm up. It feels like there's no air at all. The alarm blares again, this time squeezing at his heart. Levi inhales. Then, he runs.

He runs toward town. The buildings come into view like they're being pulled toward him, all them darkened and quiet. Levi runs straight through town and into the trees at the edge and runs through those. He comes out to a clearing of flowers. Levi doesn't slow. He keeps running, up until he sees a house in the distance. It's a house he recognizes. It's Erwin's house. Levi's breath catches in his lungs and he slows. That's impossible, because he ran the opposite direction, and he knows it. He must have made some kind of mistake. Levi starts running again. After a few minutes, he's back in town, so he turns left this time into the forest. He comes into the clearing again.

"No," he says. " _No._ "

Levi tries one more time, but he already knows what's going to happen. He comes out again into the clearing. It's a loop. He and Erwin are living in a loop that Levi can't run out of. He braces his hands on his knees and lets his breath come back to him. A bead of sweat rolls off his hair in the darkness and drops into the grass. Levi stands again and walks back to the house.

Erwin is waiting for him. He's still in his pajamas and standing useless in the kitchen like he doesn't know what to do. Levi doesn't give him a moment to be relieved when he walks back in—he goes right up to him, panting, and tells him.

"That can't be," Erwin says.

"Have you ever tried to walk out of town?" Levi asks. "There's fucking nothing, Erwin. It takes you right back here."

Erwin rubs a hand over his face. His eyes are sharp now, and awake. He glances out the window.

"How can that be?"

"Do you want to check?"

"No," Erwin says. "I believe you. I just..." 

His notes for school are still on the table. Erwin flips through them for a blank page and pushes the rest aside. He grabs his pen from the edge of the table and sits, shoulders tense. It reminds Levi of when they'd make plans in his office. Levi stands at his shoulder and watches over it as Erwin draws an oval, and inside that, their house, town, the forest.

"You're saying we're set up like this, right?" Erwin draws a line from the forest to their house. "And once you hit the edge of the forest, it loops you back to the meadow?"

"Yeah," Levi says. "So what is this? Hell?"

"Can't be," says Erwin. "My father is here."

"Right, but…" Levi thinks of when he mentioned his old squad and Erwin seemed not to even know who they were. He himself had forgotten them. "Erwin, why did I forget people?"

Erwin taps his pen against the paper. It leaves small ticks of black ink in its wake.

"Erwin," Levi says. "What was the name of my old squad?"

Erwin stops tapping the pen. His eyes blink but there's no recognition.

"What?"

"Their names, Erwin. You knew their names."

The silence that follows becomes an anxiety. Something is wrong. Levi knew that already, but now he knows it's not just him that's being affected. Erwin's forgotten as well. Eventually, Erwin leans forward and clenches his fists.

"I don't know," he says. "I forgot, I forgot they were even—"

Erwin pushes the chair out abruptly and stands. Levi watches and waits. It scares him that Erwin doesn't remember, and it scares him how few answers Erwin has. Levi's never been a strategist or a deep thinker. He's always been fine with letting Erwin do that, and taking the lead from him. Now, they're both floundering for answers.

"I need some time to think," Erwin says. "I'm sorry, but I have to ask that of you."

"I'll wait," Levi says.

Erwin leans down and kisses his temple before going out the back door. Levi makes tea after the door's shut. He can't stand to sit around and do nothing like this. He drinks the tea too quickly, deciding after that he'll clean, even though there's no mess. Levi washes his cup and the teakettle, then wipes down the countertops, the table. There are small scuff marks on the floor from where they push the chairs out, so Levi wipes those out as best he can without proper cleaning fluid.

He just wants to know where they are, and if there's a way to see his mother. Levi is fine with everything else. He has Erwin, now, and there are no Titans or enemies after them. They're so close to being fully at peace, though Levi isn't sure now if they'll get it. He doesn't even know if peace is something they deserve. For a while, he'd though they had it. Maybe that was enough.

Levi's wiping the counters down for a third time when Erwin comes back inside. The sun is up now, just barely, its orange fingers stretching over the horizon. Levi freezes at Erwin's face—the stricken, haunted look. His eyes have dulled and Levi doesn't breathe.

"I'm sorry," Erwin says. "I'm so sorry."

"What. Tell me."

"I think we're in purgatory," Erwin says.

Levi finally exhales, but it's painful. He lets go of the cloth and stands upright again. His movements feel very stiff and slow.

"Purgatory?"

Erwin doesn't say anything else right away. Levi can tell that he's hesitating.

"Just tell me," Levi says. "I can handle it."

"I think I created this world for us," Erwin says. "My subconscious—my memories, or at least, the ones I wanted to keep, those are here. My father had already died. The only thing missing was you. Levi, I did this. I wanted you with me so badly—"

"You didn't bring me here," Levi says. "Don't…give yourself that much credit, come on."

He swallows heavily.

"I wanted to be with you also. So maybe I brought myself here."

Erwin's eyes flash. "Levi," he says.

"I mean it, you bastard."

"Either way, I've created what I've created. I'm not sure there was room for everything. That's why your memories are fading."

"Your mind is eating them," Levi says.

He understands, because there is nothing else that makes sense, and nothing else to make sense of. Erwin wasn't at peace when he died. He wasn't finished, so maybe he couldn't go yet. He lingered here, stuck. Levi inhales for what feels like the first time in minutes. His lungs are tight, and he feels an awful ache in his chest at the thought of Erwin here alone with nothing but his projections of his memories for _years._ But they know, now. They've figured it out, haven't they? And Levi is here now, so…

"Can't we leave?" he asks. "You know what's up, just tell your mind to stop playing tricks. Let us go wherever we need to go."

Erwin winces. He's still standing in the doorway, and Levi hates that he hasn't come close to him. So Levi goes to Erwin, ignores the way Erwin tenses from guilt, and grabs his hand.

"Erwin, let's leave. Your real father is waiting for you."

"Levi…" Erwin's eyes are so dark now. "I'm not…entirely sure how. And I don't…I don't know if we'll end up in the same place once I do."

Levi's body goes numb. He looks just over Erwin's shoulder at their half-finished chair by the door. They'd been meaning to finish it, but kept getting distracted by each other. Levi didn't mind at all, because they had so much time. Suddenly, they have nothing again.

"I can't separate from you again," Levi says, very quiet, unsure if Erwin's even heard him.

"You deserve to see your mother," Erwin says.

Levi doesn't answer right away. He keeps staring over Erwin's shoulder and can't seem to do anything but that. He's not a good person, but he already knew that, and his decision is already made.

"I'm not willing to risk it." Levi squeezes Erwin's hand, hard, and finally looks at him. "I'm not doing it again. Do you understand? We're dead, you can't order me to go."

Erwin hugs him suddenly. His arms are tight around Levi, face buried in his hair. Levi digs his fingers into Erwin's back like hooks. He doesn't want to let go.

"I don't want you to go," Erwin says into his hair. "I don't."

Levi nods, shaking. "So I won't," he says. "I won't."

\--

But it isn't the same after. They spend the day inside, and the house is quiet and feels heavy. Erwin rests his head on Levi's lap while they sit paralyzed on the couch. When Levi touches his back, he finds the muscles there are tense. He runs his hand through Erwin's hair instead. The strands are still a bright gold, though some grays stand out when Levi lets his hair fan through his fingers. Eventually, Erwin sits up some to kiss him, hands wound around Levi's waist. There's a knock on the door. They both pull back with a gasp, struck by the idea that someone's come for them. They're going to be separated again.

"Erwin?"

It's Erwin's father's voice. Or at least, Erwin's memory of his father's voice. Erwin lets him in, just barely, door cracked open.

"Are you all right? We missed you at the school today."

Erwin opens the door fully.

"Sorry," he says. "Levi and I were talking and I didn't realize how late it'd gotten."

He lies so easy that Levi relaxes and sits up on the couch more. Erwin's father is smiling, eye crinkled behind his glasses. He has no idea what they know, but why would he? He's Erwin's memory, his projection. He isn't real. Levi can't imagine what it's doing to Erwin, knowing this now. He can see the way Erwin's lip trembles when he speaks to him. Erwin's father doesn't seem to notice. He keeps talking about how he managed the children fine. He just wanted to check in, is all.

When he finally leaves, Erwin shuts the door with a sigh so heavy Levi's surprised it doesn't shake their house. Levi pulls a loose thread from the arm of the couch and holds it between his fingers.

"Erwin," he says.

"It's fine," Erwin says. "We just have to adjust again."

"I guess," Levi says, though what he wants to ask is _Will we?_  He tucks the thread into his pants' pocket.

They do try, though. Levi walks with Erwin to the school the next morning so he can stop by the market and pick up food like he usually does. Erwin walks quietly until Levi nudges him with his elbow and tells him he didn't fly into Erwin's subconscious just so Erwin could give him the silent treatment. Erwin laughs, even if it's forced, and kisses the top of Levi's head.

"You're right," he says. "That would be inconsiderate of me."

He and Levi separate at the schoolhouse, and Levi walks to the market to finish the shopping he started two days ago. There's a man outside sweeping, the first man Levi saw when Erwin took him into town that first time. Levi remembers him now. He was in charge of the food orders for the Survey Corps. He and Lucia and everyone else are just people who passed through Erwin's life with no consequence. No one he felt guilty about. And there are so few of them. Levi ducks passed him to shop as quickly as he can. He doesn't want to talk to these people, not that he had a desire to before. In the market, the fruit doesn't seem as bright anymore. Levi stares at an apple that should be a sugary red and sees that it's streaked yellow. He grabs the apple, and once his fingers close around it, the apple crushes in his hand and becomes ash. Levi jerks backward. He drops his basket and shakes the ash from his hand. Around him, no one seems to even notice. Levi leaves the market quickly and walks back to the schoolhouse.

Levi sees that something is wrong just as he gets there—the house across the way is warped. The house looks like it was trying to implode, suck the wood inside itself. It wasn't like that earlier. Levi would have known. The wood almost seems to be floating, uneven in the way it lays in some areas. And people walk by as if it isn't strange at all. They don't seem to notice. Levi turns back as Erwin exits the schoolhouse, seems he too sees the warped home. His steps slow for a moment before he continues walking.

"What the fuck happened?" Levi asks.

"Let's get home," Erwin says, speaking quickly.

Levi has to nearly jog to keep up with Erwin. And the moment they're inside the house, Erwin shuts the door tight like he's keeping something out. He stares as if expecting something to break through the wood. Outside, Levi hears a noise he hasn't heard in what feels like a century—a low howling that creaks the foundation of the house. It's wind. Levi looks out the window and sees the grass bowing to it.

"Erwin," he says. "Tell me what's going on."

Erwin backs away slowly from the door and there is such thick guilt in his eyes.

"I don't think…my mind can hold onto this place. I can't pretend anymore."

 _Oh,_ Levi thinks, then says it. Of course this world would fall apart. Erwin can't believe his own lie now that he knows the truth. Both of them had been foolish to think they could keep it up, and Levi feels awful for expecting Erwin to keep his mind subdued. Erwin sighs, resigned, and moves a book off the arm of the couch so he can sit there. He reaches for Levi, then aborts the movement, but Levi meets him halfway and grabs his shirt sleeve. In return, Erwin holds his wrist.

"I'm not sure how much time we have left," Erwin says. "I'm sorry, Levi. You shouldn't have been here at all."

"I don't care," Levi says. "I'm glad I was here. You keep talking like that, I'm gonna start thinking I'm bad in bed or something."

Erwin laughs despite himself, thumb tapping against Levi's wrist. The wind has picked up a bit, now. Levi wonders how strong the foundation of this house is. In the distance, he's sure he hears thunder.

"Let's go upstairs one more time," Levi says.

"What?"

"I don't want to sit here and just wait for it to end." Levi wraps his free hand over Erwin's forearm and pulls. Erwin stumbles upright from the couch, throat bobbing. "Do you?"

Erwin's eyes shine, and they go one last time. The wind is louder upstairs, especially in the bedroom, but it dampens in Levi's ears once Erwin undresses for him. Erwin crawls across the bed until he's looming over Levi, says nothing, and Levi hikes his legs up for him. They act like they have eternity. Erwin fingers him like it's the first time, one thick finger, then two, then three. Levi pushes down against them, fists curled in the bed sheets.

"Do you think I could fit another?" Erwin asks.

Levi swallows and reaches down between them to feel where Erwin is stretching him. He slides his own forefinger in alongside Erwin's, the stretch just barely too much.

"Oh," Erwin says. " _Oh._ "

Levi nods frantically, toes curled so tight the bones pop, until Erwin finally slips his fingers out. Levi gasps and reaches behind him for a pillow. He hears something roll unevenly outside and wonders if the trees have already uprooted. He doesn't care to look.

"Here," he says, "like this."

He fits the pillow under his hips, legs spread. Erwin pulls those same legs over his thighs and leans in until Levi feels surrounded by him. That's how he wants it. That's how he'd always imagined this, in secret, when his heart still beat. He'd spent so many lonely nights wanting Erwin to be the only thing holding him together, so he didn't have to do it himself.

Erwin fucks into him quickly, the movement raising Levi's hips up. Levi winds his hands around Erwin's neck, lets his fingers tease at the short hairs on the nape of his neck while Erwin finds his rhythm. He closes the space between them with a kiss. Pebbles and dirt and grass begin to beat against the windows, and Erwin fucks Levi at a pace that's slow and sweet. Their kiss breaks but Erwin keeps his forehead pressed against Levi's, his eyes so startlingly blue Levi wants to look away. He doesn't let himself.

There's a crack, which startles them both, but they don't stop. Part of the ceiling splits open, sunlight spilling in. Erwin kisses Levi again, harder. The wood paneling of the house groans and stretches, planks flying off. Levi wraps his legs tighter around Erwin.

"Touch me," he says.

Erwin does, and the rest of the roof is torn away. Levi feels the wind hit his bare skin and still doesn't look away from Erwin. He presses his fingertips into Erwin's skin and hopes he can memorize the feel of him and take that with him wherever he goes. They spent so long together, barely living in a world that wanted them dead, and Levi would do it all again with him. If he had the chance, he'd pick Erwin every time.

Once his toes numb, Levi knows it's coming. There's no stopping what's happening.

"Erwin," he says. "I love you."

The world shakes.

\--

There's a moment, in the blinding whiteness of it all, where Levi can only see Erwin. Erwin watches him so fondly Levi feels his heart swell. He can see him too.

"I'll find you," Erwin says. "I promise."

He starts to fade, and Levi wants to reach out to him but he can't move at all.

"Erwin," he says. "Erwin, I'm not ready."

"It's all right, Levi. It's all—"

The world goes black.

\--

Levi is still dead. He comes to in the sand, fully clothed, and can hear birds. He can smell something salty in the air. Levi sits up and wipes sand from his cheek, nose wrinkled. Above him, Levi sees two birds float on the air. He follows them until they dip down into a dark blue. It takes Levi a moment to realize he's staring at the ocean. Even the hush of waves cresting doesn't register until the water slips over his toes. Levi stands as the water recedes. A breeze musses his hair and leaves a salty film on his skin, but not in a way that makes him feel dirty.

He looks around. There's beach for miles in both directions. Behind him, though, are hills, hills of houses, some with smoke billowing up from the chimney. Levi knows he's made it. He knows it the same way he knows how to breathe, inherently. He looks over the beach one more time but sees that he's still alone. There's no telling if Erwin is here yet. Would he even have woken up in the same place? Levi cups his hands by his mouth and yells for him.

"Erwin!"

Only the birds answer him.

Levi pushes his hair from his face and begins walking toward the houses. There's one higher up with lace curtains that spill out the window, and he knows somehow that's the house he must go to. He walks up the dunes and steps over the wooden farm fencing that separates the beach from the dirt road. Levi follows the road up, listening to the sounds of cicadas as he walks, watching the way the wind plays with the flowers.

He stops about fifty yards away from the house with the lace curtains and leans against a wall of stones. Levi waits, though he doesn't know what for. Eventually, a woman appears by the lace curtains to pull them back into the window, and it's her. It's his mother. Levi stands upright, heart jumping, but he doesn't run to her. He watches the way the she leans out the window and breathes the salty air, her hair so long and healthy and black. A black cat jumps onto the windowsill and Kuchel says hello to it. Her soft voice carries like a song. So much time has passed that Levi couldn't remember her voice anymore, but now it's like it's always been there, soothing him to sleep. Kuchel steps away from the window and the cat lingers, though Levi could swear it looks in his direction. He swallows and walks to the front door of his mother's house. He knocks.

Kuchel opens the door, and at first, neither of them moves. Then Kuchel pulls Levi to her, stroking his hair hair, his back, her cheek wet against his.

"My Levi," she says. "My little Levi."

She holds him, and Levi is held, and he feels weightless.

"Mom," he says, finding that even after all the time that's past, the word isn't difficult to say, not at all.

\--

Kuchel holds him like he's still a child on the couch. Levi doesn't mind. The cat curls around their legs and Kuchel tells him that the cat reminded her of him. Levi scoffs and presses his nose back into his mother's neck so he can remember her smell.

She cooks for him, after, and they eat at the table and Kuchel likes to keep all the windows open to smell the ocean. Kenny isn't here, but that doesn't surprise Levi too much. Then Kuchel says she's kept a room ready for Levi, and the way she says it is like she's never doubted he'd come, not even once. Levi watches her over his fish, and feels something he can't even describe.

"I've heard about you, you know," she says. "You have a lot of friends who've come here over the years."

The others. His squad. Mike. Nanaba. Levi can't find the words to even say, so he just nods knowing he's going to see them again. He really is. He looks out the window at the sun squatting over the horizon. He keeps expecting to see Erwin walk through the stone wall and wave to him. But no one comes, not even after night falls and the sky is pinned with stars and glittering.

He sleeps that night, and when he wakes the next morning his mother is in the kitchen with tea and Levi knows this is real. Maybe he doesn't deserve it, but somehow he's gotten this. After they eat, Levi walks the hilly road and finds more people from life—Petra, Mike, Gunther. Gunther cries, and Levi tells him not to embarrass himself. Then he drinks tea with them all at Petra's house. She has a large table and they all sit around it, not reminiscing once about life, just quietly drinking and remembering each other. Petra eventually asks about Erwin.

"Is he…I mean, do you think he'll—"

"I don't know," Levi says.

They don't say anything else about it. By sunset Levi is at the beach again, feet dangling as he sits on the wooden fence. He's trying to figure out what the point of him being here is, if Erwin isn't even around. If Erwin is in Hell, he should be right there with him. He deserves it just as much. Levi watches the way the sun turns the water orange. He and Erwin had talked about the beach a few times, but Erwin never really believed he'd see it. What would it take, for Levi to send himself to Hell just to drag Erwin out of there?

Levi shuts his eyes against the sun. He won't leave his mom again, even though Levi thinks if he told her, she'd probably understand. She used to pretend she'd already eaten and give Levi her share of food. Levi caught on when it was too late, but he couldn't be angry with her. She did anything for him. Levi understands that, now, giving up everything for someone just because you love them. He leans down and picks up a rock near the fence post and tosses it toward the ocean, watches until it disappears into the horizon. Erwin isn't here.

"You stupid idiot," he says.

"Is that all you have to say to me?" he hears, from a voice he knows well, better than any other.

Levi exhales slowly. He turns. Erwin stands there with his right hand over his heart, then reaches toward him, hands out.

"Levi—" 

"Well, you sure took your sweet time getting here," Levi says, his chest swelling like a wave.

He only gets one foot on the ground before Erwin is picking him up. Levi winds his legs around Erwin's waist without thinking, without breathing. He rests his head against Erwin's shoulder and lets himself be held for the second time in two days. Somehow, Erwin feels even more solid than before. Levi can still see the houses up on the hills, and part of him still thinks they don't deserve this, but they have it. Somehow, they have this. Erwin kisses his hair, shaking, and against his scalp Levi can feel him mouth the words.  _I love you._ And then he whispers it again, and again. 

"Erwin," Levi says, and this time the name hangs between them, solid and real. Eternal.

**Author's Note:**

> Surprise, bet you thought you'd seen the last of me. Title is from the Mount Eerie song of the same name.
> 
> This is a birthday gift for the very talented, very lovely [M](https://mstrmagnolia.tumblr.com/), an incredible artist and friend. She requested some eruri, and I was all too happy to write it for her ♥ 
> 
> Hang with me on Twitter @stereoroo


End file.
